Lost before loving

There is a first to everything; a first love, a first loss, a first job, a first kiss, a first promotion. I could go on forever. This will also be the first post without a poem or short story. With all that said I think I should just not get side tracked and jump right in...

Photo by Steven Su on Unsplash

I was born 19 years ago (which will be 20 in a few weeks) into a very loving family. I had and still have a mom, a dad, two grannies and a granddad. At the time I had one older sister, which later multiplied to three. Only a few years later, when I was old enough to start asking questions, I discovered that I was supposed to have four sisters and not only three. At first I understood my mom’s story as me being one of twins of which the other didn’t survive. I was too young to understand the real capacity of the loss my parents faced.

It didn’t bother me all that much, to my 7-year-old mind a loss was in the past and wasn’t supposed to be dwelt upon. Especially if it is a loss I had no part in. I mean, I wasn’t even born when it happened. But years matured me to become inquisitive again. I started to understand the turmoil that came with losing a child. After speaking to my mom about it again, it became clearer. She lost twins; one passed in the womb before the gender could be determined. The second was a girl and was born at 6 months old. Eunice. She was very small and her stomach was as big as a tube of lip-balm. Turns out her lungs weren’t fully developed and because of the lack of oxygen circulation she passed after only 2 hours of living.

In my High School years, you know, when your emotions start to take a hold of you if you’re not careful. Questions started burning in my head. A new one popped up everyday like weeds between beautiful flowers. I still remember the day I scooped up all my courage and asked my mom about it, yet again. See I started to understand the pain that came with even just talking about it. I still remember the feeling of the weight setting on my heart the moment she told me the same story. I heard it in a different light that day. In that moment, I realized what I had been missing out on. Don’t get me wrong, I love all my other sisters. But it’s like asking a parent which child is their favorite. They can’t answer, because each child is special in their own way. In my heart I knew that she too was special, but I wouldn’t get to see that in person.

I faced a loss, before I loved her. I bought my mom an arm bracelet on Eunice’s birthday that year. Which is actually the 7th of December; she would’ve been 21 this year. Big one.

Even though I didn’t feel the emotions or experience the pain as acutely as my parents did at the time of her birth and death, it grows on me every day. I’ve had to learn to grieve her and let her go at the same time. I’m not trying to make it seem like it’s harder because I wasn’t there. I am saying that it is vital for us to remember that grief has many different shapes and forms. Just because you’ve lost someone close you, doesn’t necessarily mean you know what they are going through. If we can identify the type of loss someone is going through, we will be able to determine what we need to be for them- whether it is a shoulder to cry on, an encouraging voice or a hand to help them up. Let’s be that, instead of complying with the social norm of saying sorry for someone’s loss.

I lost a sister. I will always miss her and wonder what her hair would look like or if she would’ve liked milk in her coffee. She will always be a part of me. But I am no longer mourning her loss, I am celebrating the life she would’ve had, by living the best one I possibly can.

Time to grow

I wrote a poem dedicated to her. It’s called From a grieving mother to her baby and has been posted a few weeks ago. Feel free to have a read. If you’ve ever faced loss or have some extra advice on how to be there when someone else faces it, please leave your thoughts down below. I would love to hear from you.

This is her grave a year ago. Please excuse the quality, a year ago I never thought I's be using it for a blog post